The Rabbit Hole Of: God, Faith, and Love

I have always believed that God was real. Something created this earth. The big bang never made sense to me logically. But the God I knew was not a loving God. He was someone to be feared like everyone else in my life. Someone that would see me as my parents saw me as the perpetual screw up that could do no right no matter how much I tried to be good and do good. I did not believe he loved me or if he did he used it as a weapon like everyone else in my life. Something to yank away from me the second I was not perfect and did not measure up. That I was essentially a slave to perfection if I wanted him to love me or if I wanted anything good in my life. It is why I walked away from religion, Christianity, and God himself. I was done trying to earn love. If he didn’t love me than oh well I would deal with him when I died and plead my case as I tried to show that I was worthy not to burn in hell for eternity. And if that was not good enough than oh well. Hell is all I have known for 39 years of life. How can it be any worse than what my life is. So I was not scared of hell either. In many ways I thought it would be easier. At least I knew it was not going to get better. That it was for eternity. There was no getting my hopes up for better days then falling flat on my face again. I knew I was damned so hey there was stability in that and that was more than I have now. So I did not fear hell. It was my home. It would just be my home for eternity. I was actually okay with that. So I walked away from a judgmental God that loved everyone else but me. I was done with religion and rules to earn the love of God. Either he loved me or he didn’t and I didn’t really care either way.

In the last year I as my life completely crumbled before my eyes it reinforced my belief that God did not love me. I tried to do everything right. I lost everything trying to protect my children so they could feel safe and happy. I fought for them in a way that no one ever fought for me. I protected my children without once thinking about the cost to myself. There has never been anything I would not do to make sure that my kids were happy and safe. They did not ask to be here I created them. They are my responsibility, Their happiness and well being are my responsibility. It is a responsibility that I take very seriously. So the more I lost as I fought for my children to feel safe and happy the more it reinforced to me that God did not give a crap about me. He may have created the universe but he darn sure did not give a crap about me. This loving heavenly father that my friends and family believed in was not the God I knew. They had a loving heavenly father. I had a God that was just like my mother and so many others in my life that hurt me and did not give a crap about me, my life, my feelings, or my heart no matter how hard I tried to prove myself worthy.

I did not hate God I felt nothing towards him. He was nothing more than a judge of where I would spend eternity after I died and that turned a blind eye to all that was happening to me in this life. All I could do was be the best mom I knew how to be and try to do enough good to plead my case when I died that I did not belong in hell. There were no better days coming for me. I just had to keep pushing till my time on this earth was over. That is how I have been living my life. Averting disaster where I can and dealing with the ones that I could not avert. Getting not only knocked down over and over again but in my daughters words being hammered into the ground and still getting back up just to do it again. Over and over and over again.

Last Sunday I came to the end of me. I had lost my faith in humanity for many reasons. I had lost my faith in justice and that doing right means anything. I had no faith in God or that he gave a crap about me. The next day I was going to court to fight out a nasty custody battle. I knew I had done right by my kids and done everything they have ever asked of me. But I did not know if that was going to be enough. It was not I lost physical custody of my youngest two because I did not have a lawyer and the father’s lawyer was able to twist all the good I tried to to do into something that it was not. I did maintain physical custody of our oldest daughter and was able to get the order to be only temporary. But that is all a story for another day. That Sunday night before court I felt more alone than I had ever felt. I was facing giants alone and I knew I did not really have a fighting chance. I had done everything in my physical power to save my kids. I was at the end of my physical, mental, and emotional strength. I was about to face the biggest battle of my life and I was at my very weakest. I was alone, and scared, and hopeless.

That night I cried out not to God the creator of the earth, and the bible, and all that. That night I cried out to the creator of me. I was hurting, I was angry, I felt so betrayed. I had done everything asked of me and more. I had lost literally everything trying to protect my children, including losing me and the person I use to be. I had never been at such a low point in my life. I was more angry than I had ever been. I didn’t ask to be here. I didn’t ask to be born to crap parents that fucked me up so badly that I am still dealing with effects of it 39 years later. I did not ask to have my life turn out like it has. I had done everything in my power to keep it from turning out like this. Why did everyone I know get a loving God that took care of them. But I try harder than anyone and I get a God that doesn’t give a crap about me even when I needed him most? It was not fair and I was angry. I was exhausted in every single possible way. I had gave my all. I had nothing left to give and it still wasn’t enough? WTF like seriously WTF!!! This wasn’t fair. I’m a damn good woman and a damn good mom, Anyone that knows me will tell you as much. I did not ask to be here so what was this dude’s problem. Everything thrown at me I overcome and I’m still not worthy of a loving God?

To say I raged out would be a huge understatement. After I raged out I had nothing left. I was dead inside. I gave up. I told God “do what you want. I don’t care anymore. I have nothing left to give. I can’t earn you love or mercy. You say you love me then prove it. I know you exist. I don’t believe you care about me or my kids. Just do what you want. You’re going to anyways. I can’t stop you. So fine do it. Because I’m done fighting. I’m done fighting to prove myself to you, I’m done fighting fate. It is what it is. You want control of my life and me to just let you lead then lead because I am to tired to care anymore. Do what you want. You want me to believe in you and have faith fine you have it.” And I basically did a trust fall out of pure exhaustion fully expecting to fall even lower than I already had. I had no expectations of him catching me. Of him giving a crap about me. Of anything getting better. But I had come to a point that I had nothing left to lose. I was falling anyways so he was either going to catch me or I was going to fall flat on my face either way. I didn’t really care either way I was to exhausted to care. If he caught me great, if not oh well. I did my part I gave him one more chance to prove he was who said he was and what he did with that was on him not me.

Little did I know that was going to the best decision of my life. I only had faith the size of half a mustard seed and that was enough. Even in losing physical custody of custody of my youngest two children God has carried me in a way that is nothing less than supernatural. I talk to my kids multiple times a day and they know how much they are truly loved. They know that I am not going anywhere even though physical distance separates us and that there is still nothing I won’t do for them. We are closer than we have ever been. Things are starting to work out in my favor as their father proves everything I have ever said is true by his actions. He in how he is acting is proving that I am not the liar that he tried to make me out to be. His masks are falling off and I have not had to do anything to make it happen. He is revealing himself. I just had to stop fighting and give him nothing to twist and just let him be him. I know my kids are safe and the court is watching so now I have reason to fight. I can just sit back and let things play out and be the loving and good mom that I am. My oldest two are happy and safe. They will be starting therapy here soon where all will be revealed. No longer is it me being the kids voice. They will finally be able to have their own voices heard by their therapists. Other big problems are starting to figure themselves not by me doing anything but by me just being the exhausted person that I am that has nothing left to give and just telling God you deal with it because I can’t. And he keeps showing up and handling things that I can’t. Things I’ve fought for months to figure out that are now just falling into place.

All it took was faith the size of half a mustard seed and being just to exhausted to take another step that has now made my life so much better. I know believe the creator of my soul does really love me. That I am enough just as I am. The beat down, exhausted, broken, yet strong and loving woman that I am. I do not feel alone anymore. I do not even feel like I am drowning anymore. I feel like I am finally at peace. My soul is at peace. This is not some religious conversion. I disagree with religion now more than ever. By religious standards I am still what would be considered a heathen. I still don’t care. Because I know that the creator of my soul loves me and has my back and that is enough for me. I didn’t ask to be here and now I am not dealing with here by myself anymore. I have the creator of the universe that has my back and between him and I we are a force to be reckoned with much more than the force that I was by myself. I do not fear hell or what may come for me because I have already survived all my worst nightmares. There is nothing more to fear. Now I have the strength of knowing I got something so much bigger backing me. How do I know because I have seen it. In the last 6 days I have seen it and I have had to do absolutely nothing to make it happen. It is just literally falling into my lap without me lifting a finger. Some may call it Karma but I choose to believe it is the creator of my soul loving me and taking care of me. That is the rabbit hole of how I have found my faith, God, and that he truly does love even me. It took pure exhaustion and faith that was even less than half of a mustard seed. But for the first time in my life it was enough. I was enough. It was the biggest trust fall of my life that I truly didn’t even think would matter, but it is paying off in leaps and bounds.

The Rabbit Hole of: Never Feeling Safe

Since my earliest memories I can not remember a time that I truly felt safe as a person. I am not talking about physically safe. Though a lot of my life I did not feel physically safe either. The safety I am talking about is emotional safety. I have thought about this a lot in the last few months. I use to have a therapist that use to tell me when things get really bad go to your safe place in your mind, A time that you felt the most safe. I never understood what she meant so I just kinda ignored it. As I have struggled with everything in my life falling apart this year I searched for that place.

I searched through my childhood, through my teenage years, and my entire adult life. I realized that I have never felt truly safe. I actually don’t know what it means to feel safe. It is such a foreign concept to me. The feeling of never being safe is actually my normal. I am constantly on guard watching for danger everywhere. I use to think that it was because of my PTSD because of the last 6 years of my life. But then I realized that this went back a lot longer than I remembered. That this goes back to my earliest memories.

I remember always walking on eggshells my entire childhood because of my parents that believed I was a failure from birth. I would walk in from elementary school and brace to see what kind of mood my mom was in and what I would be told I had done wrong that day, I was never sure when I walked through the door if I was going to have the mother that tolerated me and could even seem loving at times or if it would be the mother that hated my very existence and would make me for that day regret that I was born. There was never any consistency with which mother I would get. She could be pleasant when I woke up and by the time I got home she would be her other side. My dad was not as bad but he took many cues from my mom. If I had slighted her in some way during the day I dreaded my dad coming home because she made him do the majority of the physical “disciplining” while she did the mental torture. Some may think I am over dramatizing by using the word torture. But to me that is what it felt like. One second I would have a mom that tolerated me and “loved” me, then with the tiniest screw up all that was yanked away from me. No longer did I have a mom that tolerated and “loved” me, her other side that hated me took over. She was not content to just display her hate for me and take away her love with cold shouldering me and ignoring my very existence. She needed to know I was physically punished for not achieving her standards of perfection.

I remember I felt such a lack of love and safety growing up that at night I would comfort myself by going to bed playing scenarios in my head. I would imagine different scenarios where I would be in danger and someone would come to my rescue, make me feel safe, and comfort me. Sleeping was my favorite thing to do as a kid. It was the only time I knew I could not screw anything up, That I was safe. That someone would be there to save me, love me, comfort me even if it was only in my mind. Something was better than nothing.

Eventually I realized this was never going to change in my life. I was never going to be safe in my own home so I ran away. To be on the streets and maybe unsafe was better than the guarantee of knowing I would never be safe if I stayed. I could not handle knowing that I was such a screw up that was not even deserving of love. So I set out in my journey to find love and safety at the age of 14. Yet what I sought was not to be found. Bad people could spot me a mile away. Because I was trained that I must be perfect to achieve love I became a ridiculous people pleaser. I was a narcissist dream girl. I dealt with abusive relationship after abusive relationship trying to prove my worth by people pleasing trying to earn the love and safety I had never known. They were not all romantic relationships. Some where friendships and even work relationships. Always trying to be perfect trying to earn what everyone else seemed to have but I could never achieve. And when I realized in each situation that I was not going to get the love and safety I tried to earn by being perfect I would run from each of them. This is a cycle I have repeated over and over again for my last almost 39 years.

Each time my efforts blew up in my face it reinforced everything that my mother had taught me. That I was not worthy of unconditional love or safety. That because I was not perfect enough no matter how hard I tried I was never going to be worthy. This caused me to do two things. It caused me to love others in an unconditional way that was not healthy and made it that I accepted things I should have never accepted. And it caused me to try harder and harder because I was going to prove my mother wrong and show her I was worthy of “love” no matter what it cost me.

That drive for safety and love ended up costing me everything I have ever worked for in my life. It almost cost me my life on multiple occasions. I was going to prove I was worthy of what I never had. Every time I was hit I blamed myself. I had not done enough to earn the safety and love of not being hit so instead of walking away like a normal person I tried harder. Every time I was cheated on I blamed myself. I had not done enough to prove I was worthy of the safety and love of a truly committed relationship. So instead of leaving I tried harder. I always try in everything I do until I am sure that I have tried everything in my power to earn the love and safety I had never known, Once I was sure there was nothing more I could do then I would run away. Each time I left I was more broken then when I started. I had failed at my objective to finally achieve the safety that I so desperately sought. Each time I left it just proved my mother right. I was not worthy of safety and love.

A year ago this month I found out that my soon to be ex husband was abusing my children behind my back when I was not home. I was his target when I was home. The kids were his target when I was not there to take his abuse. This time I did not try harder. I also did not run. I stood up to him. My kids were never going to feel like I felt growing up. Once he was gone I found out I was too late for my 13 year old daughter. When it came to her dad and the world she felt the same way I did when I was her age. Thankfully she knew I loved her truly loved her with everything in me and I would stop at nothing to keep her and her siblings safe. I lost literally everything but my children in a bid to keep them safe from him. Even now he is fighting very hard to take them from me because he has to have control. His own children’s happiness and safety mean nothing to him.

I constantly live in fear of losing the children, That the courts will not think I have done enough to prove I am a good mom and that it is in the kids best interest to stay with me. I live in constant fear. in my own personal life I also live in constant fear. I go above and beyond in everything still trying to prove my worth. Always waiting for any love and or acceptance I have achieved to be yanked away from me the second I do not achieve enough perfection to keep it. I fear upsetting people. I fear rejection. It is so bad that I have been talked into buying things I didn’t need or could not afford by sales people because I did not want them to get angry with me. Trust me I know how insane that sounds but that was my reality. Just to have the approval of a sales person I’d never see again was easier than upsetting them and facing that I had failed to be the perfect customer. Only in my strive for perfection could I have any sense of safety.

After i kicked my soon to be ex husband out for hurting my kids everything fell apart. In my eyes I had failed to keep my kids safe even though I did not know what was going on at the time. I had failed to recognize the signs, Because he refused to pay any child support I depleted my savings taking care of the kids by myself then I could not find a job that would work with raising 4 kids alone with no help. I had failed to provide for them. By the time I finally got a job we were in such a bad place financially that I am going to have to file bankruptcy. Though I have achieved keeping my kids safe I have failed at almost everything else. Yet now my kids are the happiest they have ever been and we are closer than we have ever been. They still loved me no matter how much blew up in our faces. It was in them that I found the love and safety that I had always fought to earn. It was in them that I realized that I had always been enough to have the love and safety of my parents and others in my life. It was in their love and the safety that their love would never be yanked away from me that I found my healing.

I am not fully healed yet. Outside of my kids I still feel like that lost little girl hoping to be enough to earn the safety I have sought my entire life. I still go to bed imagining scenarios where someone comes to rescue me and makes me feel safe, loved, and comforts me. Again something is better than nothing. But I also now do not fight to prove myself. I still try my best in everything right from the jump. I don’t know how to be any other way. But now when it is not appreciated I stop instead of trying harder. I know I give my best immediately and if its not enough then at least I know I tried. I don’t know if I will achieve the sense of safety I need outside of my children. But I know that I will keep looking for it not because I must have it to prove my mother wrong. But because everyone should feel safe at least once in their life and have the place to cling to when times are rough just like my therapist said. This time I am looking for it in safe ways. I am no longer trying to earn it. I just looking for it. I don’t know what the future holds for me but I do know someday I will find my way out of this rabbit hole of never feeling safe.

The Rabbit Hole Of: Vindication

Have you ever wondered what it must feel like for a person to be convicted of a crime that they did not commit, be sentenced to life with no possibility of parole, but then decades later some evidence is found that changes the whole case and their innocence is proven? I have wondered what it was like for them when they returned to the world. How they felt to finally be vindicated and how they dealt with that vindication? How it feels to enter a world that changed so much while they were gone and if they were bitter about the years lost? I now understand.

My aunt were talking last week and we were talking about why I have become non religious. This was pertaining to a church culture called the Cancel Culture but for me it was not just a church culture is was my life culture. The life culture me and all my siblings were born into, raised under, and have alll fought to escape. For this reason I will be calling it the Jodi Culture (My family will understand the reference).

The Jodi Culture that my siblings and I lived in went something like this. You can do no right, you are born a horrible sinner that has nothing good in them. You better earn your right to exist by pleasing everyone but yourself because you were born bad. If you please yourself by even caring about your own feelings or your own safety that is selfishness and selfishness is evil so once again you are evil. You are convicted of being evil since birth. You are condemed by others and yourself every single time you ever choose yourself. Therefore you must live in irrevocable shame for the rest of yourlife. But because thats not enough while you live in that shame you are now dead to us and your life has no value.

That is the culture my siblings and I grew up in and have fought our entire lives to get out of. In watching my little sister as she has journeyed down this road of freedom I craved what she had. Somehow she had broke free of the life sentence I was still carrying. At times I was so jealous that I did what others did to me. I judged her. She was only free because she was selfish. Look how she only cares about what she wants. I despised her at times. Not for choosing herself, I was proud of her for that. But because she found her way out of a prison I was still stuck in. Why was I condemned when I did it and she was free when she did it?

Now I realize that she had and escape partner in her life, her husband that showed her that her culture she lived in was wrong, And I still had a prison guard in my ex husband that kept re-enforcing that the culture I was still in was right, It took me breaking out of my prison and choosing not to let my kids grow up like me to get out.

I then met my partner in crime, my escape partner who showed me my culture was wrong by being the exact opposite of that culture in most ways. Now I am free of my prison. But I still felt haunted and hunted. So I set out to clear my name. To prove I never deserved to be in that prison in the first place. And that I never deserved what happen to me while I was in that prison. I had been reprieved but now I wanted vindication. I think that is what the last few weeks have been about for me as I went through my entire life and made peace with everything. I was vidicating myself to myself.

I showed myself how much I loved even when it was not returned and was weaponized against me. I still did not seek revenge. I was loyal to people that were not only not loyal to me but actually wanted to destroy me. I showed respect to people that did not even try to hide their disrespect and hate for me. I can walk away from my old life with my head held high that I was able to do what most people do not I get to walk away knowing I tried my best in every situation in my life. I have no regrets. I did the best I could for the culture I lived in and now that I am out of it I am learning from it to do better. I have vidicated myself by not only saying I am a good person but by proving beyond a reasonable doubt I am a good person. Which proves that that the conviction of me being bad for being human was wrong and I am vidicated.

For 38 years I lived in that culture that became a prison to me. Literally living every day just waiting to die so I could go plead my case to the creature of the universe. Now that I have been vidicated and am out of that prison I am living to live. I truly feel like I am alive for the first time but with a lifetime of knowledge to guide me. I hear songs I have known for years like it is the very first time. I see everything in the world differently like I am looking at for the very first time. But then again because I am not looking at the world through the bars of my prison anymore. I am actually living and doing everything I ever dreamed of while sitting behind those bars. No longer am I watching life and wishing I could be apart of it. I am finally getting to be a part of it for the first time ever. It is amazing, and terryfing, and overwhelming, and exciting. It is everything. And isnt that what life really is just everything?

I now understand what those people that get their convictions reversed must feel like. To not only be released but to be found innocent too after being guilty so long. It’s a freedom that is indescribable. It is the strongest feeling of being alive because I earned it. I have been vidicated. Now I get to enjoy life with a new apprecation few can understand. That is the compensation for my wrongful conviction. And that in itself is worth more than all the money in the world. It makes all those years I lost well worth it. I am free I am vindicated.

The Rabbit Hole Of: Melody No Hope

To understand my story I have to start at the beginning. Before I was even conceived. It was 1981, my parents have been married about 4 year. My older sister is 3. From all the stories I have heard they were a very happy family of three. The only problem that I am aware of was that the woman that gave birth to me did not want to work. She
wanted to be a stay at home mom to my older sister. My dad told her no he needed the help financially. The only way she could stay home was if god forbid she was to get pregnant again.

About 11 months later I was born. My father hated me from the day he found out my mom was pregnant. He was so angry at my very existence that he refused to even name me. I had ruined his life. Now his life was about to become even harder. He only wanted one child. He was already struggling financially and now the full burden of 3 other lives were on him. He truly felt I was Gods punishment for something he had done. I was a curse.

I’m not sure if my mom hated me while she was pregnant with me or if it started after I was born.  All I know is she vehemently hated me. So much so that at 5 years old she told me this very story I’m telling you about how I came to be. She drilled it into my head from my earliest memories that I was not wanted.

I was born Melody Hope but growing up my parents called me Melody No Hope. A memory I had blocked out till recently. Honestly I’m now realizing I’ve blocked out a lot of my childhood memories because they were so traumatic. From birth to 14 when I left home once and for all I was Melody No Hope.

When I left home I thought I had escaped my hell. But I was wrong. Because I was so severely mentally and emotionally abused as a child I could not function like normal people. Everyone believes they are inherently good. That is their default.

I grew up being taught that I was inherently bad. That I could do no right no matter how I tried. I was Melody No Hope and unworthy of love, acceptance, grace, kindness, or anything good thing because those things were only for good people. I did not deserve any of that because I was bad.

I believed this was the truth about myself my entire life. I blamed everything on myself. My parents hating me and abusing me the way they did was my fault. I was bad a born fuck up I deserved it. All my exes that have abused me in every way possible I blamed myself for it. I was bad, I hadn’t done enough not to earn not being abused. When they cheated on my I thought I deserved it because I had not given enough to earn their love and loyalty. I was inherently bad and only good people get love, safety, and loyalty.

So I fought time and again to redeem myself for my existence. I jumped through every hoop ever laid in front of me. No matter how many times I was beat down physically, mentally, and emotionally I would get back up and go again. Not because I was strong though I did gain strength from doing it. I did it because I wanted to prove I was good. That I too could be worthy of love not just temporary acceptance when I had done enough to make everyone happy. Only to lose that acceptance the second I fell short. And I always fell short because the more I gave the more I had to keep up with that standard to prove my goodness. But fighting to be good all the time is exhausting. So I would give up, stop caring, and go back to my default that I was inherently bad and I’ll never find the love and acceptance I was so starved for because that’s only for good people.

This cycle has been going on in my life for 38 years. It has almost cost me my life multiple times. Not because I was depressed but because I was exhausted from trying to find redemption for my very existence that I just wanted to stop existing. I could not take another step yet I didn’t know how to stop. The drive to prove I was good kept pushing me till I pushed so hard thst I was completely and utterly destroyed. To say I was obliterated would be an understatement.

So I Melody No Hope gave up for the last time on December 28th, 2020. That day something had happened with my severely mentally daughter that I almost went to jail for even though she had not even lived with me for the last 3 years because of her harmful behavior towards me and her siblings. I had no control over what my daughter had done when she was out of my home. The mentally health professionals that failed to listen to me or believe me about how dangerous she was should be going to jail not me. I fought to make sure everyone was safe from her. I fought to get her help. Now the police are standing at my front door about to arrest me for something I not only didn’t do. But for something I had no control over at all. I broke.

I went back to my default setting that I must deserve this because I’m inherently bad and I had not done enough to earn my redemption. I gave up. I didn’t care if I was bad anymore. What had being such a good person ever got me? So fine I was going to be bad. I did not care what happened to me. Prison didn’t scare me. 3 hots and a cot. No one expecting anything from me. People having to take care of me the rest of my life. That was a huge upgrade to the hell I was in. Death did not scare me. I welcomed it. No hell I may have gone to could be worse than this. I didn’t even consider heaven an option because that was only for inherently good people. Not people like me. I genuinely, genuinely did not care what happened to me. Since I thought everyone thought I was inherently bad then there was no point in even trying to prove them wrong anymore. In my eyes at the time I was never good enough to earn the rewards of being good even though I had killed off almost my entire self trying to be “good”, so fuck it I would just be bad. It’s who I am right?

So I decided to go bad. Fuck it. Everyone that knows me personally would get it. No one in their right mind lives through as much trauma as I have and still stays good. At least this time I could justify being bad and know that at least everyone would understand. But the harder and harder I tried to turn bad I couldn’t. I could not go after people for revenge. I had nothing left to give. I was too exhausted from my life to even be bad to the people that were bad to me. I’m so thankful for that exhaustion or this story would be ending very differently.

I just gave up on December 28th. I gave up on everything. I gave up on me, on life, on people, on ever finding happiness. I gave up. I was Melody No Hope. Not because of my parents. Because I literally had no hope at all left. My life had come full circle. I was Melody No Hope as a child. I lived like Melody No Hope my entire life. Now I had no hope of it ever getting better. I came to the end of me and all I could do as Melody No Hope. My life had made a complete circle. I went to bed that night one person and woke up the next day a radically different person. Now I’m just Melody.

Melody No Hope does not exist anymore except in my memories. Her life came full circle and her story is now over. The story of Melody is just beginning.

My Story

I have always been told I’m unforgettable. Not because I’m anything special. But because I as a person make no logical sense. I’m like no one else people meet. No one understands me. Not even the many therapist I have seen in the last 6 years. I defy even the psychiatric communities logical understanding of how the human mind and spirit works.

I have always been told by everyone I tell even parts of my story to that I need to write a book. From college professors to a judge. From therapist to friends and family. Anyone that even hears part of my story is amazed that I am who I am after the life I have had to live. My story relates to almost anyone.

I hate the word survived. People have always told me that they are amazed I survived so much and still have stayed the genuine, honest, loyal, loving, good person I am. I do not feel I’ve survived. I am still trying to live through it. I’m still fighting to survive my life everyday. While much of it is in the past the damage that it caused is very much present. It is only in the last month I truly have any hope that I will actually survive my life.

To explain my life and who I am I must take everyone reading this down countless rabbit holes. It’s why I’m unforgettable because I am countless rabbit holes that come together to form one giant rabbit hole. Something you never forget.

Severely abused as a child? I have a rabbit hole for that.

Have a severely mentally ill teenager that tried to kill you and is obsessed with ending you? Who gets joy from causing others pain and fear?  I have a rabbit hole for that.

Been severely abused in relationships? I have multiple rabbit holes for that.

Are you having to restart you life after a very long marriage ended and you lost everything but your children? I have a rabbit hole for that.

Have you ever fought to get away from crushing grip of a narcissist? I have three rabbit holes for that. My mother, my ex husband, and my severely mentally ill daughter.

Have you ever had to lose literally everything to protect your children? I have a rabbit hole for that.

Have you ever worked as a first responder and developed PTSD? Or been so traumatized that you’ve been diagnosed with Complex PTSD? I have a rabbit hole for that.

Let’s just say I have a rabbit hole for a lot of things. But the biggest rabbit hole of all is why and how I am who I am today.

To meet me on the streets you would never guess any of this about me. I am for the most part a very cheerful, happy go lucky person. I’m that friend everyone knows they can come to and I’ll do anything I can for them. I love to laugh and to make people laugh. Though my sense of humor is incredibly morbid and dark. I am fiercely loyal and love like I’ve never been hurt a day in my life. Both of these have almost destroyed me. But I don’t know how to stop at times because I want so much to be the difference in the world that I so desperately needed in my life.

I am unforgettable because I was never really taught how to love. I know how to love because I do exactly the opposite of what’s been done to me. I know how to love because I know what not to do. Same with loyalty. My entire life I’ve lived by one rule. Treat others the way I want to be treated. Because no one should ever be treated the way I have been or feel the way I feel. I was going to be the difference. It’s that drive to be different than all the terrible people in my life is what dug all these many rabbit holes. If I was like everyone in my life there would be no rabbit holes. That drive to be different and not let what’s happened to me define my goodness is why I am the giant rabbit hole I am today. It’s why I no one ever forgets meeting me.

Today as I was trying to explain who I am to my best friend. I realized I could tell him the surface stuff of who I am and why I am the way I am. But not everything. It would take take months just to even really be able to explain anything in depth. I told him today, “you now know all the chapters of me but not the sentences that make those chapters.” Only he knows all the chapters no one else in my life does. 

I could never really write my story  before like I wanted to. Because I was always trying to write it like a book to help others. That’s all I think about is how can I help others with what I’ve been through. Now I’m only worried about helping one person understand my story . Who has loved me just the way I am even though he struggles at times to understand me no matter how hard he tries. And let me tell you he tries.

I’m going to tell my story for him. So he can truly understand all that is me. If it helps anyone else to understand me that’s just a bonus. If in sharing my story it helps someone with their story than that’s even a bigger bonus. But mostly this is for my best friend.

Thank you to my best friend for inspiring me to do this even though you didn’t even mean to. Thank you for always having my back no matter the rabbit hole we are journeying down. I hope this helps you understand me a little better and helps me make more sense to you. Now off we go down the rabbit holes. Might want to buckle up, it’s going to be a bumpy and unforgettable ride.