I have always been told I’m unforgettable. Not because I’m anything special. But because I as a person make no logical sense. I’m like no one else people meet. No one understands me. Not even the many therapist I have seen in the last 6 years. I defy even the psychiatric communities logical understanding of how the human mind and spirit works.

I have always been told by everyone I tell even parts of my story to that I need to write a book. From college professors to a judge. From therapist to friends and family. Anyone that even hears part of my story is amazed that I am who I am after the life I have had to live. My story relates to almost anyone.

I hate the word survived. People have always told me that they are amazed I survived so much and still have stayed the genuine, honest, loyal, loving, good person I am. I do not feel I’ve survived. I am still trying to live through it. I’m still fighting to survive my life everyday. While much of it is in the past the damage that it caused is very much present. It is only in the last month I truly have any hope that I will actually survive my life.

To explain my life and who I am I must take everyone reading this down countless rabbit holes. It’s why I’m unforgettable because I am countless rabbit holes that come together to form one giant rabbit hole. Something you never forget.

Severely abused as a child? I have a rabbit hole for that.

Have a severely mentally ill teenager that tried to kill you and is obsessed with ending you? Who gets joy from causing others pain and fear?  I have a rabbit hole for that.

Been severely abused in relationships? I have multiple rabbit holes for that.

Are you having to restart you life after a very long marriage ended and you lost everything but your children? I have a rabbit hole for that.

Have you ever fought to get away from crushing grip of a narcissist? I have three rabbit holes for that. My mother, my ex husband, and my severely mentally ill daughter.

Have you ever had to lose literally everything to protect your children? I have a rabbit hole for that.

Have you ever worked as a first responder and developed PTSD? Or been so traumatized that you’ve been diagnosed with Complex PTSD? I have a rabbit hole for that.

Let’s just say I have a rabbit hole for a lot of things. But the biggest rabbit hole of all is why and how I am who I am today.

To meet me on the streets you would never guess any of this about me. I am for the most part a very cheerful, happy go lucky person. I’m that friend everyone knows they can come to and I’ll do anything I can for them. I love to laugh and to make people laugh. Though my sense of humor is incredibly morbid and dark. I am fiercely loyal and love like I’ve never been hurt a day in my life. Both of these have almost destroyed me. But I don’t know how to stop at times because I want so much to be the difference in the world that I so desperately needed in my life.

I am unforgettable because I was never really taught how to love. I know how to love because I do exactly the opposite of what’s been done to me. I know how to love because I know what not to do. Same with loyalty. My entire life I’ve lived by one rule. Treat others the way I want to be treated. Because no one should ever be treated the way I have been or feel the way I feel. I was going to be the difference. It’s that drive to be different than all the terrible people in my life is what dug all these many rabbit holes. If I was like everyone in my life there would be no rabbit holes. That drive to be different and not let what’s happened to me define my goodness is why I am the giant rabbit hole I am today. It’s why I no one ever forgets meeting me.

Today as I was trying to explain who I am to my best friend. I realized I could tell him the surface stuff of who I am and why I am the way I am. But not everything. It would take take months just to even really be able to explain anything in depth. I told him today, “you now know all the chapters of me but not the sentences that make those chapters.” Only he knows all the chapters no one else in my life does. 

I could never really write my story  before like I wanted to. Because I was always trying to write it like a book to help others. That’s all I think about is how can I help others with what I’ve been through. Now I’m only worried about helping one person understand my story . Who has loved me just the way I am even though he struggles at times to understand me no matter how hard he tries. And let me tell you he tries.

I’m going to tell my story for him. So he can truly understand all that is me. If it helps anyone else to understand me that’s just a bonus. If in sharing my story it helps someone with their story than that’s even a bigger bonus. But mostly this is for my best friend.

Thank you to my best friend for inspiring me to do this even though you didn’t even mean to. Thank you for always having my back no matter the rabbit hole we are journeying down. I hope this helps you understand me a little better and helps me make more sense to you. Now off we go down the rabbit holes. Might want to buckle up, it’s going to be a bumpy and unforgettable ride.

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