I have always believed that God was real. Something created this earth. The big bang never made sense to me logically. But the God I knew was not a loving God. He was someone to be feared like everyone else in my life. Someone that would see me as my parents saw me as the perpetual screw up that could do no right no matter how much I tried to be good and do good. I did not believe he loved me or if he did he used it as a weapon like everyone else in my life. Something to yank away from me the second I was not perfect and did not measure up. That I was essentially a slave to perfection if I wanted him to love me or if I wanted anything good in my life. It is why I walked away from religion, Christianity, and God himself. I was done trying to earn love. If he didn’t love me than oh well I would deal with him when I died and plead my case as I tried to show that I was worthy not to burn in hell for eternity. And if that was not good enough than oh well. Hell is all I have known for 39 years of life. How can it be any worse than what my life is. So I was not scared of hell either. In many ways I thought it would be easier. At least I knew it was not going to get better. That it was for eternity. There was no getting my hopes up for better days then falling flat on my face again. I knew I was damned so hey there was stability in that and that was more than I have now. So I did not fear hell. It was my home. It would just be my home for eternity. I was actually okay with that. So I walked away from a judgmental God that loved everyone else but me. I was done with religion and rules to earn the love of God. Either he loved me or he didn’t and I didn’t really care either way.
In the last year I as my life completely crumbled before my eyes it reinforced my belief that God did not love me. I tried to do everything right. I lost everything trying to protect my children so they could feel safe and happy. I fought for them in a way that no one ever fought for me. I protected my children without once thinking about the cost to myself. There has never been anything I would not do to make sure that my kids were happy and safe. They did not ask to be here I created them. They are my responsibility, Their happiness and well being are my responsibility. It is a responsibility that I take very seriously. So the more I lost as I fought for my children to feel safe and happy the more it reinforced to me that God did not give a crap about me. He may have created the universe but he darn sure did not give a crap about me. This loving heavenly father that my friends and family believed in was not the God I knew. They had a loving heavenly father. I had a God that was just like my mother and so many others in my life that hurt me and did not give a crap about me, my life, my feelings, or my heart no matter how hard I tried to prove myself worthy.
I did not hate God I felt nothing towards him. He was nothing more than a judge of where I would spend eternity after I died and that turned a blind eye to all that was happening to me in this life. All I could do was be the best mom I knew how to be and try to do enough good to plead my case when I died that I did not belong in hell. There were no better days coming for me. I just had to keep pushing till my time on this earth was over. That is how I have been living my life. Averting disaster where I can and dealing with the ones that I could not avert. Getting not only knocked down over and over again but in my daughters words being hammered into the ground and still getting back up just to do it again. Over and over and over again.
Last Sunday I came to the end of me. I had lost my faith in humanity for many reasons. I had lost my faith in justice and that doing right means anything. I had no faith in God or that he gave a crap about me. The next day I was going to court to fight out a nasty custody battle. I knew I had done right by my kids and done everything they have ever asked of me. But I did not know if that was going to be enough. It was not I lost physical custody of my youngest two because I did not have a lawyer and the father’s lawyer was able to twist all the good I tried to to do into something that it was not. I did maintain physical custody of our oldest daughter and was able to get the order to be only temporary. But that is all a story for another day. That Sunday night before court I felt more alone than I had ever felt. I was facing giants alone and I knew I did not really have a fighting chance. I had done everything in my physical power to save my kids. I was at the end of my physical, mental, and emotional strength. I was about to face the biggest battle of my life and I was at my very weakest. I was alone, and scared, and hopeless.
That night I cried out not to God the creator of the earth, and the bible, and all that. That night I cried out to the creator of me. I was hurting, I was angry, I felt so betrayed. I had done everything asked of me and more. I had lost literally everything trying to protect my children, including losing me and the person I use to be. I had never been at such a low point in my life. I was more angry than I had ever been. I didn’t ask to be here. I didn’t ask to be born to crap parents that fucked me up so badly that I am still dealing with effects of it 39 years later. I did not ask to have my life turn out like it has. I had done everything in my power to keep it from turning out like this. Why did everyone I know get a loving God that took care of them. But I try harder than anyone and I get a God that doesn’t give a crap about me even when I needed him most? It was not fair and I was angry. I was exhausted in every single possible way. I had gave my all. I had nothing left to give and it still wasn’t enough? WTF like seriously WTF!!! This wasn’t fair. I’m a damn good woman and a damn good mom, Anyone that knows me will tell you as much. I did not ask to be here so what was this dude’s problem. Everything thrown at me I overcome and I’m still not worthy of a loving God?
To say I raged out would be a huge understatement. After I raged out I had nothing left. I was dead inside. I gave up. I told God “do what you want. I don’t care anymore. I have nothing left to give. I can’t earn you love or mercy. You say you love me then prove it. I know you exist. I don’t believe you care about me or my kids. Just do what you want. You’re going to anyways. I can’t stop you. So fine do it. Because I’m done fighting. I’m done fighting to prove myself to you, I’m done fighting fate. It is what it is. You want control of my life and me to just let you lead then lead because I am to tired to care anymore. Do what you want. You want me to believe in you and have faith fine you have it.” And I basically did a trust fall out of pure exhaustion fully expecting to fall even lower than I already had. I had no expectations of him catching me. Of him giving a crap about me. Of anything getting better. But I had come to a point that I had nothing left to lose. I was falling anyways so he was either going to catch me or I was going to fall flat on my face either way. I didn’t really care either way I was to exhausted to care. If he caught me great, if not oh well. I did my part I gave him one more chance to prove he was who said he was and what he did with that was on him not me.
Little did I know that was going to the best decision of my life. I only had faith the size of half a mustard seed and that was enough. Even in losing physical custody of custody of my youngest two children God has carried me in a way that is nothing less than supernatural. I talk to my kids multiple times a day and they know how much they are truly loved. They know that I am not going anywhere even though physical distance separates us and that there is still nothing I won’t do for them. We are closer than we have ever been. Things are starting to work out in my favor as their father proves everything I have ever said is true by his actions. He in how he is acting is proving that I am not the liar that he tried to make me out to be. His masks are falling off and I have not had to do anything to make it happen. He is revealing himself. I just had to stop fighting and give him nothing to twist and just let him be him. I know my kids are safe and the court is watching so now I have reason to fight. I can just sit back and let things play out and be the loving and good mom that I am. My oldest two are happy and safe. They will be starting therapy here soon where all will be revealed. No longer is it me being the kids voice. They will finally be able to have their own voices heard by their therapists. Other big problems are starting to figure themselves not by me doing anything but by me just being the exhausted person that I am that has nothing left to give and just telling God you deal with it because I can’t. And he keeps showing up and handling things that I can’t. Things I’ve fought for months to figure out that are now just falling into place.
All it took was faith the size of half a mustard seed and being just to exhausted to take another step that has now made my life so much better. I know believe the creator of my soul does really love me. That I am enough just as I am. The beat down, exhausted, broken, yet strong and loving woman that I am. I do not feel alone anymore. I do not even feel like I am drowning anymore. I feel like I am finally at peace. My soul is at peace. This is not some religious conversion. I disagree with religion now more than ever. By religious standards I am still what would be considered a heathen. I still don’t care. Because I know that the creator of my soul loves me and has my back and that is enough for me. I didn’t ask to be here and now I am not dealing with here by myself anymore. I have the creator of the universe that has my back and between him and I we are a force to be reckoned with much more than the force that I was by myself. I do not fear hell or what may come for me because I have already survived all my worst nightmares. There is nothing more to fear. Now I have the strength of knowing I got something so much bigger backing me. How do I know because I have seen it. In the last 6 days I have seen it and I have had to do absolutely nothing to make it happen. It is just literally falling into my lap without me lifting a finger. Some may call it Karma but I choose to believe it is the creator of my soul loving me and taking care of me. That is the rabbit hole of how I have found my faith, God, and that he truly does love even me. It took pure exhaustion and faith that was even less than half of a mustard seed. But for the first time in my life it was enough. I was enough. It was the biggest trust fall of my life that I truly didn’t even think would matter, but it is paying off in leaps and bounds.